you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
