There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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