I hate your face
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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