Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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