i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
