i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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