I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
