Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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