It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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