In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
