took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
