i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
