I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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