Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
