then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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