I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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