The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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