Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
