Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
