I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
