i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
