Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
