3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You just made me feel so damn special
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
