I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
