My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
