listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
