I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
