dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
