I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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