Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
