Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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