Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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