We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
