I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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