Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
