apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you didnt know i had herpes?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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