i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
