girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
