when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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