I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
