I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
