apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Bring me that man meat
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
