My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
