Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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