I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
