Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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