ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
