My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
