"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
