Girls should come with a carfax report
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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