Have you finally orgasmed yet?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
