a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
how do you play pong handcuffed?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
