It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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