you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
