sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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