remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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